Not Quite Planned
by Users
Summary: "Have you found your zampac-to's name?" a tired Ichigo asked. "Yeah! Its name is Mr. Stabby!"   Poor Ichigo has to help a young teen become Soul Society's secret weapon.
1. Chapter 1:The begining

**I don't know. Don't ask. Please read and enjoy.**

**I don't own Bleach :(.**

I walked down the busy street. Nothing strange yet. Just walking home from school, black JANSPORT backpack slung over my shoulder. My worn tennishoes clicked softly on the pavement. I was Fran Akahana, but known to my friends as 'Frankie'. I hated anything pink and girly. I absently pushed a stubborn strand of brown hair out of my face. Hey, when I'm thinking, nothing, not even my hair shall get in my face!

It was quiet. Too quiet for my comfort. Damn! I had wandered drown an empty alley again. But then I heard a gurgling sound. "Who's there?" I called. No response.

Then a large black monster with an odd mask on its face leaped out on me. It was well over seven feet tall, and stank horribly! "You again? Well that textbook to the face didn't teach you a lesson then!" I roared excitedly. I then jump-kicked the monster in its ugly face.

"Ow…" the thing said in a low voice. It tried to reach a fist up to me, but I back flipped back to my original spot. A little bit of blood was spilling from its yellow left eye. "Bitch…" it uttered.

"Look who's talking!" I yelled, smirking deviously. I then threw a punch at one of the thing's stubby legs. It was like punching a brick wall. "OW WTF!" I screeched. It laughed at me. "Meanie!"

Then a guy in a kimono that was about 16 years old came rushing in. He was aiming a ridiculously large sword at the monster's face. STAB! Blood gushed everywhere, and the monster ran away crying. "Stupid hollow." The guy said. He had spiky orange hair…I wanted to mess with it!

The guy then noticed me. "Oh…um, hi?" he muttered.

I stared at him. A sexybeast sent from the gods from above just saved me! All he needed now was a pair of hot shades.

"Hello?"

I blushed. "Oh, um…thanks for saving me, I guess. I could of drove off that annoying thing without your help, but thanks anyway!" I quickly stammered. Stupid mouth work!

"That thing is a hollow. It eats souls. I'm surprised it didn't eat yours." He said.

Crazy orange-haired guy said what? It then dawned on me. This guy was probably a cossplayer for an anime show. But what of the monster? It was too big to be someone in suit. "Okay…I'm in a dream. A Spanish tomato is probably going to attack me soon." I drifted off. What, is it racist now to have nightmares in Spanish?

"I don't know what you're talking about, but you need to come with me."

"No way!" I yelled. "I'm not going to follow some stranger to his lair!"

The guy looked shocked. "…I'm Ichigo Kourosaki, substitute soulreaper. Follow me or else."

"…fine. I'm Frankie Akahana, normal twelve year old." I muttered in defeat. I followed Ichigo down the street and back to the main road I was taking before. Oddly, nobody seemed to see him. "Why can't anyone see you?" I asked after a while.

"I'm a soulreaper. No one living is _supposed_ to see me. Unlike you." Ichigo muttered angrily, a scowl on his face.

After a while we stood infront of a candy shop. _Urahara Shop_, it read.

"ICHIGO!" a man of about 25 years of age yelled. He then ran up into our faces. "Who's your friend?" he questioned.

Right now, I felt odd wearing my sky blue hoodie and blue jeans right next to the two oddly dressed men.

Ichigo seemed unchanged. "She's a human and she can see and hear us, Urahara."

Urahara then brightened up. "I know just who you are! There are many plans Soul Society has for you, Fran Akahana."

**OMS what will happen next? I sure don't know...**

**Please leave a review!**


	2. Chapter 2:Poker Face is hated

**I tried to make this chapter longer, but I might have failed. Read and enjoy!**

So as it turned out I'm supposed to be some awesome person that can kill bad people. Ichigo is supposed to bring me to Soul Society so I can be 'a living pincushion' as he put it. And Urahara is an ex-captain that's a pervert- an evil pervert! And he actually isn't a zoophile; his cat girlfriend actually can turn into a human.

So how am I supposed to magically disappear to SS (I like that better) and not have my parents worry? Well, Ichigo and Urahara want to fake a death for me so I won't be 'missed'. I'm sure pretending to die will do the complete opposite!

So now I'm at my house packing for a hiking trip –alone- out in the middle of nowhere where Urahara will set up a gigai that looks like me that will look like a bear ate it. My parents didn't put up much argument, as they don't really care as long as I don't die. How ironic. I then heaved my bags over my shoulder, put my ipod earbuds in my ears, and walked out of the front door with a "bye mom! Bye dad!"

I lived nearby the forest, in fact just a jump over my fence and you would be right in it. I had to hike a whopping six miles into the forest to reach the target area! With a ten pound bag on your shoulder that's a lot of weight! But I was strong! Humming Poker Face by Lady Gaga all the way, I slowly made my way through the dense forest.

I then finally made it to the clearing. Ichigo was in dead/soulreaper form or whatever you call it. He sat on a dead log covered in moss, and Urahara stood with an odd device in his hand. He was smiling creepily, and that made me scared for my life. And my virginity.

"What took you so long?" Ichigo asked stupidly. I glared daggers at him.

"Doesn't matter, doesn't matter," Urahara said before Ichigo and I had a chance to fight. "You two set up the camp equipment so that it looks like a bear attacked, I'll get the gigai ready." In two hours hard work we finally finished, with a tattered up campsite, fake blood of mine, and a fake me that looked so much like me I felt a shiver go down my spine.

Urahara was messing with the little piece of technology. I sighed loudly. "Oh yes! Now the transporter is ready!" Urahara smiled creepily again, waving the object around in the air. "When I press this button, the both of you are to hold on tight to this little guy and should arrive in Soul Society in a half hour." The little object was the size of my ipod, and looked the same too. Urahara pressed one of the many little buttons on the Transporter then handed it to me and Ichigo.

Bright light appeared, and I felt my body distort. With a final wave goodbye, Urahara wisked out of sight as the two of us teleported.

After only a minute, I got bored standing in blank white nothingness. "Po-po-po-poker face po-po-po-poker face…" I started to sing. The song was so addicting to sing, I just couldn't help it.

"Shut up. I don't want to hear you singing for a half hour." Ichigo then growled, his hands clenched into fists. I grew annoyed. Why couldn't Ichigo accept such great music? He stood with his arms crossed and a bored emotion on his face.

I wanted to shut up, but the song was so singable! I couldn't stop! On and on I went, singing the Poker Face song and braking Ichigo's patience. I even started to dance to the beat, and that cut it.

"FRANKIE SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I WILL KILL YOU!" Ichigo hollered.

I eyed him in an observing fashion then said, "Damn Ichigo when you yell you sound like that boomer I once killed in-"

"Shut. Up."

And so I hummed Poker Face for last ten minutes of the teleportation. Ichigo was red as a tomato when the nothingness finally lifted. We were now standing in the streets of a big ancient city. The streets were stones designed in a flat and appealing way. The buildings were scarce and made out of wood and stone. Before I had any more time to admire the little place Ichigo tugged on my sweatshirt sleeve. "This way." He stated.

After walking down the streets I grew bored again. "Po-" I began, but Ichigo cut me off.

"You do know that Poker Face is a very explicit song and there are very scary people here that would like to rape you." Ichigo muttered boredly. I got all wide-eyed, and shutted up. But it didn't really help.

A huge man, six to seven feet tall, landed out of the sky from who knows where in front of us. His long black hair was spiked in a fashion that added another foot to his height. He wore similar clothes to Ichigo, but he also wore a white tattered vest thingy over his black kimono. He looked like a pirate; having ridiculous abs and tattered clothing and an eye patch. Heck, he was Jack Spearow in Shinigami form!

The man grinned maliciously; showing off yellowing fang-like teeth. "I was heading my way to a captain's meeting Ichigo but I guess I could stop and have some fun," he growled playfully. Ichigo was wide-eyed like a little girl looking at a rapist.

But then a normal sized, almost-normal looking man appeared behind scary pirate guy. "Kenpachi, we must show our guests some proper respect." The new man said, his sword drawn as if he would attack his companion.

"Fine." Kenpachi growled, also muttering 'Bitch-hime', but this went unnoticed by his companion.

"Byakuya… what are you and Kenpachi doing?" Ichigo asked warily. I glared at him. Why couldn't he man up and be a manly man? Ichigo is such a bitch.

"Kitten shopping. What does it look like we're doing to you?" Byakuya muttered in a monotone voice.

"Kitten shopping! OMS I love kitten shopping!" I squealed. They all stared at me as if I was a freak. "Kenpachi said you guys were going to a meeting." I muttered in defeat.

"I think Yamamoto would like it if we brought you with us." Byakuya said, motioning us to walk forward. Kenpachi glared at Ichigo like a wild animal, and Ichigo knew of this, eager to follow Byakuya.

I on the other hand had some unfinished business. "Baki, right?" I asked Baykuya. He nodded slowly. "My fav song is Po-po-po-poker face po-po-poker face!" I sang, singing along to my ipod. Ichigo grew red again.

But then Byakuya stopped and said, "Chire, Senbozakura." His sword turned into little pink flower petals that were racing at me. I braced myself for impact, but the little pink petals instead attacked my ipod. It exploded on impact with them.

"But why?" I asked Byakuya, holding back tears.

"I don't like Lady Gaga." He stated simply.

**Aw poor Frankie Baki broke her ipod. Review please!**


	3. Chapter 3:The Pokemon Conspiracy

**Neh! I'm typing this on **_**wordpad**_**! It's the most advanced application on this laptop(see Grimmkitty if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about). )= Enjoy.**

"Where are we going?" I complained. I was last in the odd cluster I was a part of. Ichigo and Kenpachi were having a stare-down-of-death competition, and Byakuya just shook his head and sighed.

"We are headed to a captain's meeting, which you just had to interrupt us as we were going there." Byakuya said hatefully. Man this dude was such a downer! First he destroys my Ipod, and now he bagging on us when his friend is the psycho. Big meanie, I wanted to rip out his hairnoodles...

"Oh really?" Ichigo asked before I could do anything naughty. "I was originally heading towards Yamamoto's office." I'm sorry to interrupt, but when Ichigo said Yamamoto, I imagined a fuzzy blonde hamster. But I'm quite sure their leader wasn't a cute rodent, so I heaved a mental sigh in defeat.

Kenpachi grinned again. Gosh, that dude needed to brush his teeth! "So Strawberry's gonna talk to the Head Captain? What do you have to do with this?" He then stared at me.

I stared at him back, and noted about how _huge _this man was. "According to Ichigo I'm needed here for something. But what am I useful for?" I pointed to my attire, which seemed weird now because of my ancient-Japan surroundings. Funny thing is, everyone around me looked like mannequins from a museum come to life, wearing the oddest thingys that I didn't know what to call. But enough of my opinion, it sucked. "How much longer?" I complained. One thing I was good at: complaining.

Byakuya seemed even more enraged at me as I said this. "If you would shut up we will be there in a few minutes." He muttered slowly.

…

Yamamoto wasn't the cutesie little hamster I imagined him to be. Instead, he was an old, old man. At the captain's meeting they were discussing me, which I found odd.

"You are very important." Ichigo had said when I asked. I'm important to a secret society that runs around doing crack-addict things? Who would have known? The most important thing I ever did in my human life was when I made a knife-gun. That I got taken away from me when I attempted to use it at school…

A few of the captains were getting into heated debates, some of which didn't concern the topic at all. "You ate my Starwars Muffin!" One with creepy face paint said to Kenpachi.

"I swear it wasn't me! It was the underpants gnomes that did it!" He exclaimed with insanity in his eyes.

Yamamoto raised his hand and said, "Captains, we will now be taking a lunch break." All the captains didn't resist, and filed out of the room. I followed just because I was too lazy to antagonize Ichigo. Out of the meeting room, there was a small fenced-in yard that looked like a human's backyard, with a koi pond in the right corner. All the captains sat on worn wooden benches and ate sandwiches. Where did they get the food? I don't know; from their sleeves? Kenpachi glanced around, as if he was looking someone.

Then a purple-haired girl of sixteen leaped over the small fence while clutching a paper bag. "Here you go, Captain!" She said as she handed Kenpachi the bag. Captain? If this girl wasn't a captain, then why was she on this property?

"Thanks, Kakuna." Kakuna? Like the bug pokemon in _Pokemon Silver_? I observed this stranger more closely, and noted her spiky hair that barely touched her shoulders, her auburn eyes that burned with angst, and her silver scarf that was worn around her neck. This Kakuna girl looked insane. Kenpachi scowled when he pulled out the sandwich. "You put extra-spicy pickles on this. I don't like spicy pickles." He then plucked the pickles off of the bread and flung them at Byakuya's face.

"I'm sorry, Captain. One of the newbies must of miss-labeled the jar again. " Kakuna said, bowing respectfully.

I looked around, and saw Ichigo sulking by the doorway. I walked over to him and asked: "Why is Kakuna here?"

Ichigo continued to stare off into la la land for a minute before responding. "Kakuna Nekoinu, the twelfth seat of Squad 11. Kenpachi will often forget his lunch at a captain's meeting, thus always having Kakuna deliver it." I looked on, and no Byakuya was arguing with Kenpachi, both of them not too far from drawing swords.

"'Ello!" Kakuna greeted. To be honest, I didn't spot her approaching, so I jumped a little. "So you're the well-known Fran Akahana!" She then giggled. "I'm sorry, but did you know you have an old lady's name?"

I glared at Kakuna before muttering: "Well, did you know you have the name of a fictional insect?" I smirked evilly when she grew prissy.

"It's a curse, I know! I have the same name of a weakling pokemon!" Kakuna wailed. Wow. Kakuna looks sixteen, but acts like a five-year old. "You haven't heard the last of me, Old Lady!" She hissed before she then ran off.

"Ichigo?"

"What?" Ichigo muttered.

"Is it bad I pissed off Kakuna?"

…

Yamamoto had ordered me to share a room with Ichigo; but I refused, stating that I'm allergic to sleeping strawberries. So then of course Kakuna appeared out of nowhere and proposed the idea that I slept with her. So know I am preparing my bed in Kakuna's tiny house thingy. Oddly, she had a double-bunk bed -me on bottom bunk- but would never tell me why.

"I'm bored!" I exclaimed when I finished.

"Too bad!" Kakuna scolded, then pulled out clothing from a dresser. "Now go away! I'm changing into my pajamas." She shooed me with the clothing. I just rolled my eyes and grabbed my pajamas before leaving. I had pretty purple pajamas that matched my violet bed sheets. "Come in!" Kakuna yelled.

"Kakuna…" I began, lost of words. She was dressed in Pikachu pajamas along with a Pikachu ears hat. "Are you having an identity crisis?"

"PIKACHU!"

"…crackhead." It's a kakuna dressed up as a pikachu! How…retarded. "Hey, let's play Truth-or-Dare." I suggested loudly.

"Okay! Truth or dare?" Kakuna asked me.

"Dare!"

Kakuna got a devious smile on her face. Oops. "I dare you to call Yumichika an ugly faggot!"

"Who? Wait what?" Kakuna then pulled a gagged man out of her closet. The man screamed something at her, but it was muffled by the sock.

"Don't worry- he's drunk." And how does that make the situation better?

I sucked in some air before saying: "Yumichika, you're an ugly faggot of a man and no one loves you." Yumichika cried silently as Kakuna untied him and then threw him out of her house. I felt a little bad for him, then wondered how Kakuna was able to tie him up. "My turn." Kakuna froze in fear. "Truth or dare?"

"…dare?" She asked nervously.

"I dare you to admit you're a Pokemon to my cellphone." I pulled out the metallic silver object and Kakuna stared at in with interest.

"Shiny…"

"Just do it!" I pressed the record button.

"I'm secretly a kakuna, a bug-type pokemon, and I'm here to spread my happiness over all of Seretei!" She yelled at the phone. I giggled; she looked stupid yelling at an inanimate object. Kakuna hissed(?)at me. "You think you're so funny? Truth or dare!"

"Truth."

"You suck!" She thought for a moment. "Is it true you lick strawberry balls?"

I stared at her blankly for a moment before I got the joke. "Ew! Gross! NOO!" I would never in a million years have sexual intercourse with…Ichigo! Kakuna snickered at my anger. "Truth or dare, Kakuna."

"Oh my god…dare."

I looked around the room for a moment, searching for an inspiration. Then a lightbulb went ding over my head. "I dare you to eat this hotdog." I handed her the squishy meat.

"So? I like hotdogs." She looked at me quizzically. To prove it she took a bite.

I laughed manianiclly. "It's your captain's penis." Her face was priceless. Kakuna spat out the meat immediately. "No no, you have to eat it." I giggled. Kakuna torturedly ate the rest of the hotdog with big gulps. Afterwards she looked sickly greenish-pale.

"I hate hotdogs!" She screamed.

…

"You look tired." Ichigo said observingly at the breakfast table. I glared at him from behind my tower of waffles, but it was true, Kakuna and I had stayed up until 1:00 in the morning torturing ourselves to sleep.

"No dip, genius." I yawned. "Now pass me that syrup before Kakuna comes." As I drenched my poor waffles in syrup, Kakuna ran into the kitchen hungrily. She then snatched the maple syrup bottle from my hands and started squirting it in her mouth as if it were water.

"What the…" Ichigo began.

"It's a pokemon thing." I answered simply.

**It is a pokemon thing. The next chapter will be up soon! Until then, keep breathing!**


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